Living with and Learning from Inconsistent Behavior in ADHD

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ADHD inconsistencies can be confusing and lead to conflict.
For any of us, inconsistency is a sign of skills that are not yet fully developed.
When a child with ADHD seems unusually inconsistent, this usually reveals skills that need to be developed.

What amazes me is that there’s so much variability, I don’t know what’s going to happen on a day-to-day basis, collaboration or resistance.

I don’t understand. We don’t have any problems at home at all. Why does he act like he struggles so much at school?

With ADHD, inconsistency can feel like a puzzle to be solved, as reflected in the quotes in this article. It can seem confusing and can be misleading.

For example, variability in behavior has been misinterpreted to mean that a child doesn’t actually need support. If you are capable sometimes , why can’t you be capable all the time? When life is so up and down, it can feel like a confusing contradiction.

Another common example is focus. If you can concentrate in your favorite class, why not work on it? This pattern suggests that you don’t need help or, alternatively, that you need to care more. However, this unbalanced focus is routine ADHD – which is frustrating, but expected.

What causes variability in ADHD behavior?
The underlying cause of academic, behavioral, or emotional imbalances is usually the direct cause of ADHD. ADHD affects executive functioning, including skills such as attention, impulse control, time management, and emotional regulation. As with any new skill in life, children will remain inconsistent until their underlying abilities improve. Their inconsistency represents an accurate – albeit difficult to tolerate – reflection of the various ADHD symptoms.

When someone is diagnosed with ADHD, it’s not just because they’re imperfect (like all of us!) , but also that some aspects of ADHD can significantly affect their well-being. Their symptoms have to be at that level in order to be considered for a diagnosis.

However, it’s not a complete lack of skills. Essentially, at some point, things will come together – and then with ADHD, there may be too many moments where they don’t.

Inconsistency as a measure of skill
It’s that simple, why can’t you remember to turn in your homework every day?

I don’t get it – you’re nice to your friends, why isn’t your sister?

I am a very average tennis player. On any given day, if I happen to have a bunch of serves, I’ll beat a better player. If I play the same person multiple times, my maddeningly unreliable serve will destroy me. A more consistent level of consistency makes my opponents better at tennis. Unless I take the time and effort to build a reliable serve, my game will stay the same.

When a child seems to have life figured out one day, but not the next, parents can tie themselves in knots trying to understand “why”. However, these behaviors are similar to my tennis. Executive functioning is basically related to anything in life that needs to be managed, coordinated and planned. When the skills are not solid enough, it results in an exhausting and inconsistent performance.

The practical solution to inconsistency is not to overthink the roller coaster itself, but to look for its cause. Set aside judgment, consider ADHD and executive functioning, and identify where skills may be lacking. The child’s performance will remain up and down until this underlying ability is fully developed.

Motivation and inconsistency
I don’t even know if we need to change anything; when she cares enough, she gets the job done.

Why do I promise you ice cream when I don’t promise you ice cream for the rest of the weekend?

Inconsistency adds more confusion in relation to motivation. Maybe a student finishes a big paper on time for the first time because they don’t want to miss a ski trip.

How to build skills
It’s like having conflicting evidence; inconsistent data.

I don’t get it – you’re obviously very competent. Do you not care how you do it?

Overthinking inconsistencies is not only confusing; it can delay healing. It’s easy to rationalize help when someone is preoccupied (but not in a tough class) or usually turns in assignments (but bigger projects fall apart). But inconsistency doesn’t mean the child could do better if they wanted to; it suggests a need to increase their ADHD support.

How do we develop skills related to ADHD? It is estimated that ADHD represents a one-third delay in executive functioning, a framework that offers myriad opportunities for intervention. We began by reframing difficulties as ADHD-related rather than effort-related. With this new clarity, we can choose new programs that build consistency.

Which program will work depends on the specific challenge. For attention and impulse control, medications tend to be the most effective. Early learning habits are developed through routines created and maintained by parents and teachers. Many other cognitive, academic, and emotional skills are developed through working with therapists and coaches.

Inconsistency in a child’s behavior is not “personal” or intentional. It usually means that the right program has not been implemented.

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